"Broken Secrets"

Alex stirred in her sleep. She was having the same nightmare. She was standing in the middle of the field. She knew what was going to happen next. She mentally braced herself for the attack, but it didn’t happen. She looked around the darkness and she saw him. She had waited for him as fear and anger consumed her being. He moved forward to her. Closer and closer he walked to her. His face was a blur, even when he stood in front of her, nothing. Alex took in a shaky breath as he began to speak.

“Hello Alexandria.” He greeted calmly.

“Hello.” She responded back in a small whisper. Who was he?

“Who I am is not important. It’s what I’m here to tell you that is.”

“And that would be what?”

“Things are not over. They’re just beginning. There’s more to this than just Damian. Those that you love may not be there, or alive to help you. Be careful Raindrop.” He brushed his hand across her cheek and walked away. Raindrop? Only one person called her Raindrop.

“Daddy! Wait! Daddy!” she screamed after him. She wanted to run to him. She willed herself so, but she stood there stuck, as if she was nailed to the ground. She felt a breath on the back of her neck. Alex quickly turned around to see Damian. She scowled at him.

“Now, now love. This is your dream. I’m not going to do anything you don’t want me to do.” He said calmly. Alex’s body loosened a bit and she stared at him. She had forgotten how handsome he was. He was dressed in a black suit with pinstripes with a white button down and fresh all black Air Force Ones. She forgot he dressed well too. She was remembering why she fell in love with him, before he turned into a blood sucking, murderous monster. Just as she was remembering their life together she heard the snow giving way to someone’s weight. She turned to look at who it was and almost fell to her knees. Her breath quickened as well as her heart as Jacques emerged from the darkness to the right of her. His tall and muscled physique was just as she remembered. His caramel skin almost shone in the moonlight. Now she knew she was dreaming.

Jacques made his way towards her. Damian stepped back and stood in a fighting stance. They always butted heads in reality, so acting this way in a dream wasn’t too far of a stretch. She turned to face him once she felt him close to her. Jacques took her into a hug and kissed her lips gently. She sighed as he pulled her body closer to him. She missed him so much. She inhaled his scent and then realized, this was all a dream. Alex snapped out of her moment and looked at Jacques.

“You’re dead. This can’t be real. This will never be real.” She cried. Jacques wiped the tears from her face.

“I may not be on this earth physically anymore, but I still come to you when your heart calls out to me. I’m always around you. I told you, I’d love you forever and beyond.” He whispered in her ear. His French accent wasn’t as thick and annoying as other French people. His was nice and pleasing and very seductive.

“Oh please. Let’s not forget she ripped your throat out and left you for dead in an alley. Plus she never loved you. She’s always loved me. We just had a small spat, didn’t we love?” Damian said slyly. He always thought he owned her, but Alex had to admit to that she had loved him and a part of her still did. Her thoughts of Jacques and what they shared were interrupted by the breaking of a twig. She released herself from Jacques’ embrace and looked to her left to see John. Her heart skipped a beat. She walked over to him and hugged him. John hugged her back and looked deep into her eyes.

“Alex, I love you.” He whispered to her.

“I love you too.”

“I need you to choose.” After he said that John, Jacques, and Damian stood in front of her. She fell to her knees and grabbed her head in frustration. When she opened her eyes Alexandria stood in front of Damian, while Lexa stood in front of Jacques and Alex stood in front of John. She stepped back as she saw herself times three looking at the three men she desired.

“Choose” they all said in unison. “You have to choose.”

Alex shot up out of her sleep. She was struggling to breathe. She looked over at her open window. Without even a thought she jumped out of it and landed softly on the ground. She looked around and took a deep breath. The cool crisp air filled her lungs. She exhaled and her mind went into a crazed frenzy.

“There’s nothing wrong with me.” She said to herself over and over again.

You dreamed of our dad and Jacques. I’m sorry sweetie but there is seriously something wrong with you. Bitch, suck it up and get it together.

Damn straight there’s nothing wrong with us. We all know whose fault this is. Damian has to die.

Her other personas argued with each other. She’s been having that dream for almost a week now, ever since she thought she saw Jacques. Her dad came to her in a dream for the first time, and came with a warning. The men she loved asked her to choose as her personas stood in front of the ones they admired. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t take this anymore.

“Something’s got to give! I can’t take it. All the arguing, violence, and death has to stop. I can’t take it anymore!” she screamed. She fell to her knees and started to breathe heavily.

“You know love; if you continue to scream at yourself people are going to assume you’re crazy.”

She knew this voice. Her stomach turned to ice at the sound of his voice. Alex gathered herself and stood up to face Damian as he stood in front of her.

“What are you doing here Damian?” she asked icily.

“Easy babe, I’m never too far away. I stay close unless you decide to change and give up this ridiculous charade of being humane.” He smiled slickly. Every word he spoke was drenched in evil, slick, sweet and seductive.

“Well you can forget it! I’m not ever going to go back to who I was. I hate who I was, and I hate you!”

No you don’t.

“No you don’t” he said slickly. He didn't know it, but it was in unison with the peanut gallery in her head. Alex hated this. She couldn’t love him. He was a monster! The devil incarnate even. She couldn’t love that. It was John she truly wanted, Damian just refused to make himself scarce.

You have to give it to him the nigga is persistent. Mmmm. Now I remember why I loved him. The sex was amazing as well.

Eww. Nobody wants to remember that but you, you trollop.

Alex shook off the thought as Alexandria tried to replay the memory. When Alex looked up, Damian was in front of her. He grabbed her by her waist and pulled her to him. Alex’s body went into a state of chaos. She was feeling things she hadn’t felt in a long time. Her body yearned for him as she made a mental note of every single inch of him. Alex snapped out of herself and realized what was happening. She pushed herself away from Damian and looked at him. She composed herself and glared at him.

“What do you want Damian? My life is screwed up enough without you feeling as if you need to drop in on me and drive me up a wall.” Damian smiled a devilish yet sexy smile.

“Up a wall you say? You still want me. A part of your mind does and your body; well we both know what it wants.” Damian said smoothly. He could talk a nun out of her panties and have her swinging from a chandelier in a church if he wanted to. Actually he had, once. Xander walked out of the house to see what was wrong with Alex. He glared at Damian and growled a low growl. Alex looked quickly at Xander and continued to speak.

“Damian, it’s cute that you still think I want you at all.” Alex lied. She tried to cover it up with a laugh.

“Whatever. I’m not here for that. I’m here for something else. I’m looking for something…someone.” He sounded concerned.

“Well I haven’t seen anyone, so goodbye and go die.” Alex said. Her words dripped with hate and disgust. Then the wind blew. The cool breeze brushed against her hair, causing it to sway slightly. Alex sniffed the air. She smelled it again. That same smell she smelled a week ago. The smell she smelled when she thought she saw Jacques on the beach. It was back. Alex looked around first at Xander, then Damian, and finally focused on a male shaped figure that was walking toward her. Alex looked at Damian.

“I think who you’ve been looking for has been following me.”

“I’m sure he has. He’s very interested in your whereabouts, Alex.” He said with a slight smile.

“And what does he want with me? I don’t do stalkers. They’re not my type.” She said looking over her shoulder as the figure stopped in the darkness. Proud of telling Damian and his “friend” off she turned to walk into the house.

“It’s not stalking if the person is someone who has something of yours.” Alex stopped dead in her tracks. That voice. It wasn’t Damian’s voice. It was the voice of another.

“And what is it that I have that happens to belong to you?” She asked carefully with her back to him. She felt him staring at her, hell she felt him on her. He stood directly behind her.

“My heart.” He said into her ear. Alex pinched her thigh to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. This had to be a dream. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. Her heartbeat quickened and her breathing did as well. Alex looked at Xander. The expression on his face indicated that this wasn’t a dream.

“And how long have I had your heart?” she asked as her voice quivered. Her throat went dry as she felt him take her hand and pull her closer to him.

“123 years.” His words spun inside Alex’s head, making her dizzy. It couldn’t be. She had to be sure. She slowly turned to face him. As soon as she smelled him she knew it was all true. Alex looked him in the eyes and her knees weakened.

“Jacques?” she asked as she placed her hand on his cheek. He nodded as he held her hand. They were both making sure that this whole thing was real.

“How is this possible? I killed you. You were dead.” She said as she immediately hung her head in shame. Jacques placed his finger under her chin and lifted her head to look at him. Her eyes were wide as they were filled with tears. One tear escaped and rolled down her cheek as it glistened in the moonlight. Jacques pulled her to him and embraced her. She took in his smell and it felt just like before. Before Damian lied, before she “caught” him, before that day. Something was off. Jacques wasn’t warm anymore, he was cold. He felt as if he was a statue. She pushed herself away from him. There was fear and shock in her eyes.

“You’re a vampire aren’t you?” she asked fearfully. Jacques nodded. “Who turned you?”

“That would be me.” Damian said evilly as he stepped forward as if he was presenting a project. That’s exactly what Jacques was…a project. “I did pretty well huh, Alex?”

“No! You turned a sweet, kind, loving man into a monster just like the rest of us! Why would you do this Damian? WHY?!” she cried. Her perfect Jacques wasn’t that anymore. He’s killed people, she was sure of it. No way he rolls with Damian and doesn’t feed on humans. She thought.

“Revenge.”

“What? On who? Me?” Damian laughed.

“Not everything is about you my dear. It was revenge on him. He was supposed to suffer and live for all eternity without you. If I couldn’t have you no one could. He wasn’t supposed to find you, but I couldn’t stay away and he followed me to you one day.” Damian explained.

“When?” Xander asked as he stepped forward to comfort his sister.

“When she left him to die, I found him in that alley way dying and let him feed from me. I was secretly teaching him how to be a vampire right behind your back. While you grieved and blamed yourself for his death he was no more than two towns over at all times.” Damian laughed devilishly. Anger built up inside of her. He kept him from her for 120 years! He needed to suffer now. Her anger boiled over as she lunged at him. Jacques grabbed her by the waist and pulled her to him again.

“Alex my love, I guarantee you I am no monster. I do not feed on humans. I never have. I swear to you. Damian told me how angry you were with yourself when you thought I was dead. I never wanted to put anyone else through that pain.” His words soothed her, like they had always done. She gently pushed herself away from him.

“Jacques, as excited I am to see you, I can’t be with you.” She said.

“Why not?” he asked with hurt in his eyes. The same hurt was heard in his voice.

“Because of the human guy, John, that’s why. She loves him.” Damian said spitefully. Jacques looked down at her, the hurt growing in his eyes as she nodded slowly.

“I do.” She said softly. Jacques placed a fake smile on his face.

“Very well then. You will always have my heart, Alex. I will wait for you, no matter how long that takes.” He kissed her hand and disappeared into the night.

“Yeah right! I’ll get you first.” Damian laughed and followed after Jacques.

Alex turned to face Xander. She didn’t even have to say anything. He already knew. Now she was conflicted, angry, betrayed, confused. She was all over the place and it was exhausting. She raced up to her room, she needed to be alone. Her mind raced at a mile a minute as she sat in the dark. This wasn’t happening to her. It couldn’t be. Everything was happening to her all at once. She couldn’t take it and started to cry. She laid her head on her pillow and cried herself to sleep.

The next morning she awoke to Xander knocking on her door. She slipped on her Jack Skellington slippers and opened the door.

“Lex, we need to talk.” He said as Alex made her way back to her bed. He closed the door behind him. They both sat and looked at each other.

“Speak.” She said flatly.

“So Jacques is really back huh?” Alex nodded without looking at him. How could she forget? His scent was still on her skin. “So what are you going to do?”

“Nothing. He’s rolling with Damian now. There’s no telling how he is now.”

“He sounds the same to me, but then again he’s been with Damian this whole time. Do you still love him?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since he popped back up into my life. I haven’t even processed that he’s still alive.”

“What about John? Do you love him?”

“Of course I do. I think. Ugh! Why me? Why does my life have to be so hard?” she asked angrily. “I need to eat. I’m going downstairs.” She said as she got up. She went to the door and opened it. John stood there with an angry look on his face, his eyes looking as if they were filling with tears.

“So Jacques is alive huh?” he asked angrily. Alex nodded slowly. “Do you still love him?” Alex shrugged. “Do you love me?” Alex hung her head and sighed. “That’s all I needed to hear.”

“John wait! I do!” she yelled after him as he ran off. She ran after him and cut him off at the stairs.

“Move.” He said coldly. Alex looked down to see his duffle bag next to him on the floor.

“You’re leaving?” her voice quivered more than she intended for him to hear.

“Well you don’t know if you love me or him. Your first vampire ex boyfriend wants me dead. He kidnaps me and almost kills me and not once have I doubted how I feel about you!” he yelled.

“How do you feel? Tell me!” she didn’t mean to yell but he was cutting deep.

“I LOVE YOU! I always have! Why else would I stay around through all this shit?! But since you don’t know how you feel, I’m out!” He pushed past her angrily. She had no choice but to let him go.

“John, don’t go!” she cried. John stopped right in front of the front door. He turned to face her.

“Do you love me?”

“Yes!” Alex yelled.

“Like you love Jacques?” Silence fell upon the room. “Answer me!” he yelled.

“That’s not fair.” She whispered.

“What’s not fair? You either love me like you do him or not. So, do you love me like you love Jacques?” Alex hung her head. “That’s all I needed to hear. Goodbye Alex. Have a nice life!” he said as he headed out to his car. Now Alex regretted driving him from the hospital in his own car. She tried to run after his car until Xander stopped her. What was she going to do if she caught him? She saw the anger and pain in his eyes. She still didn’t know what she wanted, she just knew she wanted John there to help her figure it out. She ran back in the house tears streaming down her face.

“Lex?” Xander asked concerned. He worried for his sister. He could feel what she was feeling and a tear fell from his eye. He looked down at Alaska. His ears perked up and he whimpered.

“No one should ever feel that way. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” he told him as he heard the door slam.

A few hours passed and Alex sat on the roof with John’s jacket. It was all she had left of him. She held it as she cried and looked onto the horizon.

You should’ve just told him you loved him.

Girl bye! Fuck all that! You need to suck that shit up and move on! He was human! He was going to die eventually! I say we go eat him, but that’s me.

Alex swung into the room that only hours ago belonged to John. She curled up in his bed and just laid there crying. He was gone and not coming back.

***

It’d been a whole week since John left. Alex still hadn’t moved from that same spot. She wouldn’t let Xander in the room saying he’d taint the smell of the room. Everything from the air to his sheets still smelled of him. It was all she had left of him. She couldn’t take being here, but she didn’t want to leave. She reached into her pocket and grabbed her cell phone. She pressed ‘3’ on her speed dial. The phone rang and went straight to voicemail.

Hey, you’ve reached John. I’m not able to come to the phone right now so please leave your name, a message, and you number and I’ll get back to you.

He sounds happy. I remember when he made that message. She thought to herself. She grabbed her phone and pressed ‘4’ on her speed dial. The other line began to ring. Someone picked up.

“Hey baby girl. What’s up?”

“Hey Trey.” She sniffled.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“John and I broke up. It was really bad.” She began to cry.

“Aww baby girl. It’s going to be ok. You need anything? I know how you felt about him..”

“Are you in town?” she asked.

“Yeah. I’m gonna be here for about a week. I have a video to shoot and then a show. You wanna stay with me while I’m here?” He always had a way of knowing exactly what she wanted.

“Yeah, if you don’t mind, I need a change of scenery.” She sniffled again.

“Well I’ll be where I usually am in about an hour. So get dressed and shower ‘cause you’re not stinkin’ up my room, pack some clothes and drive on over. Ok?”

“Ok.” Alex sniffled. “Thanks Trey. You’re a good friend.”

“No problem baby girl. I’d do anything for you, you know that. See you soon.” Alex hung up the phone with Trey. He always knew how to make her feel a little better. She was still broken inside but Trey made it hurt just a little less. That’s what she loved about him. She got up and looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were puffy, her hair was all over the place, and her nose was swollen from crying so much. She looked like hell. Alex walked into what was John’s bathroom and took a shower. She wrapped herself up in his towel and walked over to her room and got dressed. She packed her bag and put on John’s jacket. She had to have something of his close to her at all times, and his jacket was the only thing she had left. Alex walked out her room and headed for the door. Xander stood in front of it, blocking her way outside.

“Lex, you’re not going anywhere.” He said commandingly. Alex sighed,

“Move out the way Xander, I’m leaving. Now move voluntarily or I will be forced to do it myself. I’m stronger than you are.” She said in a low voice.

“I’m not letting you leave like this. You just can’t leave.”

“I need to get my head together and I can’t do it here. Not when his room is next to mine.” She began to cry again. Alaska brushed against her leg; she bent down to pet him.

“I’ll be back in a bit boy. Ok? I love you.” She looked up at Xander. “Love you too.” With those being her last words she headed towards the garage. She put on her helmet and mounted her motorcycle. Keeping her destination mentally hidden from Xander she rode off towards the city. As the scenery sped past her, she thought about everything. Xander. Damian. Jacques. She thought of her family, her life up until now and of course John. Her life was falling apart around her. She couldn’t handle it anymore, her only piece of sanity and consistency was still thirty minutes and counting away. One tear escaped her eye as she rode towards the city. When would the pain stop? When could she be happy again? She didn’t know. Hell, she didn’t know anything. One thing she did know for sure was; she’s never felt deader inside than she did the day he walked out her life with her heart in his hand.